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Why I have become a Democrat

April 2, 2012

I finally changed my political views. It was a long, hard thought-out process, but I finally did it. I was won over by the well thought-out arguments presented by such distinguished liberal thinkers as Howard Zinn, Al Gore and Adbusters magazine. I was inspired by the stellar leadership of inspiring figures such as Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Barbara Boxer, and Harry Reid. Of course the aura of reconciliation and peacemaking that Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Cornell West, Bill Maher and so many others put off was influential in winning me over, as was the hard-working, clean, responsible image put off by the Occupy Movement. Finally, I would never be here without being won over by the amazing speaking skills of President Barack Obama, whose wise thoughts transcend time, space, and the laws of grammar.

In coming to this new conclusion I rejected several traits of classic conservative thought. First of all was the virtue of self-reliance. Self-reliance is a relic of a bygone age before welfare was invented. Now that I have done without self-reliance, my education, entertainment and basic living needs can be subsidized by the blue collar working-class Republicans and the innovative, 1-percenter capitalists that I spend my entire life whining about. Secondly, I have done away with outdated personal mores from the Victorian era. Why be in a serious, loving relationship with someone who I care about and would give up everything for when instead I can just use people for my own pleasure. I mean, hey, we’re all consenting adults, and it’s not like they wouldn’t do the same to me. Another thing I have gotten rid of is history. Why do I need history? I live in the modern age for cryin’ out loud. It’s not like I need to know about all those dead white guys, or those world wars, or the English Kings and how the Magna Carta was the first step in the direction of the concept of inaliable rights for man or how the principles of freedom that the united states was founded on were at odds with the slavery practiced therein and how that all played out, or that whole World War 2 thing, I mean, who is this Hitler guy anyway? I bet he was a capitalist. Or the cold war. We hated the russians so much. Stalin was a great guy, and anyway, even if you say Communism is bad, they weren’t fighting for communism, just their version of communism. Another thing I’m getting rid of is pride in my culture. I’m pretty sure all cultures are the same, except the White Supremecist American Jingoist Imperialist Culture. I have decided that I am a multi-cultural person, a citizen of the world. Not that I have to actually learn anything about these cultures, (see the part about history above.) No, I just have to eat a little spicy food, listen to some Asian Hip-Hop, watch some British TV and whine about the Capitalist American Society in which I thrive. I’ll have plenty of time to do that because I won’t have a job–I’ll be studying Gender Theory in my fifth year of grad school.

Finally, you may have realized that my grammar and spelling above were not perfect. That is because I am fighting the system, and part of this system is the part of the system that insists on perfect grammar. We should not have perfect grammar; none of the great writer’s did. I am instead fighting for emotional expression instead of all these rules.

 

 

 

April Fools

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. John permalink
    April 2, 2012 4:46 am

    I love this piece. I hate welfare and multiculturalism as well. I am a god fearing Christian and if Christ were here today, Im sure he would have no problem with the one percent living next door to a darker people in poverty who still suffer the effects of slavery from hundreds of years ago. I miss George Bush and his amazing speaking skills, not Obama’s pathetic attempt at forming words and speeches. I can’t believe Democrats actually believe “all cultures are the same.” Racists…

    • April 3, 2012 12:12 am

      I sense that you don’t realize the fundamental absurdity of this post. The point was not to make a serious point about politics, merely to troll the readers of this blog. It’s called April FOOLS day for a reason. Wait ’till next year and I’ll put up one called “Why I became a Republican.”
      Tl:dr–I’m not being serious here in any significant way.

  2. April 2, 2012 4:57 am

    Excellent.

  3. jack permalink
    April 2, 2012 5:37 am

    That was quiet possibly the most offensive thing I’ve ever read. In fact, I think you are a horrible person.

  4. Toni permalink
    April 2, 2012 12:14 pm

    Perhaps your best! Definitely one of the most entertaining. I think you hit most of the important areas needing correction on the part of Conservatives everywhere. Thanks for clearing up the question of grammar. As I have been rebuked for not watching mine more carefully–the whole teacher thing–I am glad to see that I really am just part of an anti-establishment movement that I failed to be part of in the 60s.

    • April 3, 2012 12:15 am

      Wow, I didn’t realize I would get such a response to something that was not meant seriously in any way. Grammer is impotant, bus so iz speling 2.

  5. punicwars55 permalink
    April 2, 2012 7:36 pm

    Pack up your stuff. You are coming home–right now.

  6. punicwars55 permalink
    April 2, 2012 7:38 pm

    Wait a minute. I only read the title the first time. Stay where you are, but be ready to duck down a lot. You are going to be a walking target up there in Democrat country.

  7. swt permalink
    April 3, 2012 2:00 am

    I have migrated the other direction and recently joined a rare breed of neuvo-riche, ethno-centric bourgeoisie intelligentsia. I give to the poor, or shall I say organizations who help the poor. I want to help them, but if I’m being honest I have some difficulty actually being among them over a sustained period of time.

    Like another esteemed reader, I prefer the ‘creative’ oratory prowess of George Bush over the low-brow ramblings of passe liberal thinkers trying in vain to wrap their minds around the problem of the poor. Jesus said it best, “The poor will always be with you”, which I take to mean we can never really sort them out so let survival of the fittest take its course.

    The liberal agenda’s insistence on speaking up for ‘those less fortunate’ corrupts the foundations of civilized freedom and is destroying America’s magnificent achievements. I’ve observed how America was much greater before the advent of organized labour. Bring back Carnegie, Mellon and the Bessemer process! If we cannot save the poor, we may as well build a fortune for ourselves on their backs.

    I’m all for the global economy, so long as the cards are stacked in America’s favor. I mean, why should I care? It’s not like we have benefited from the developing world’s low cost labor.

    It’s nearly 3am in Ireland, so i shall retire. I feel very safe in my socio-economically engineered suburb. At least here I can look out my driveway at a clean, well-lit cul-de-sac and cling to the illusion of security, which is more than I can say for most of the rest of the world. Or The Little People, as we like to say at the club.

    Goodnight

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