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Alternate Jobs For Presidents, Past and Future

October 23, 2012

Many times we theorize how a president performed in office, but rarely do we theorize how they would do in a different situation. Given how bad most politicians do their job, it is only fair that we should try to find them different jobs, jobs that they will do much better. It would be a beneficial thought experiment to conjecture what jobs would cater to the needs of different politicians.

Barack Obama, Fashion Model. Obama may or may not be a good President, but there is no denying that he is a handsome man. From his broad shoulders to his glistening pectorals to his commanding stride, every inch of Obama screams “model.” His credentials as a “citizen of the world” mean that he will be perfectly at home in Paris, Milan, and other fashion capitals of the world. I can see him now, modeling a new set of designer blazers, or a hip, $90 Che Guevera T-Shirt. Potential Drawbacks: Designers don’t like being told “You didn’t build that.”

George W. Bush, Nature Guide. With his kindly face, Texas accent, and “aw-shucks” personality, Bush is more suited toward being a nature guide at a State Park than the leader of the free world. He would look quite authentic in those all-khaki uniforms and broad-brimmed hats that all nature guides wear, and it would be quite endearing to hear him mispronounce the Latin names of indigenous shrubs. Most of all, sources say that he is a friend to all of the squirrels and beavers in America, and that they often get together and sing songs. Potential Drawbacks: Mayhem occurs when no Weapons of Mass Destruction are found in Yellowstone National Park.

Bill Clinton, Rock Star. Some say that Bill Clinton possessed the rock-star mentality. I go a step further and say he missed his calling as a member of a Huey Lewis and the News-style rock and roll revival band. As we all know, his saxophone skills were top-notch, and he possessed the good looks and charm of a veteran rocker. With his band, Executive Orders, Bill Clinton could have been a fixture of the top of the charts in the 1990s, touring with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Counting Crows, and landing a coveted spot as a headliner at Woodstock ’99. Potential drawbacks: Comeback album produced by Skrillex.

George H.W. Bush, Grandfather for HireSadly, some kids have lousy grandparents. This has posed a problem for many families who want their kids to have a great grandparent experience, but experience some obstacles due to the fact that Grandpa is a profane drunken wastrel and Grandma worships Satan. For these families, I propose that an entrepreneur start a business renting out Grandparents. If this business ever starts, one great candidate would be George H.W. Bush. He would be an expert at telling children bedtime stories in the vein of “Read my lips: No More Evil Stepmothers.” He  could also sympathize with children who hate broccoli. Potential Drawbacks: Children start to lose interest when George H.W. Bush institutes “Story Time with Dan Quayle.”

Ronald Reagan, President. Potential Drawbacks: Nothing comes to mind.

Jimmy Carter, Baptist Preacher. Jimm-uh was a mediocre president, but would have made quite a good man of the cloth. Instead of holding forth on the state of the nation, Carter could have held forth on the state of our souls. With influences such as Reinhold Niehbur and Paul Tillich, Carter would be a perfect to reach out to the nation as a preachuh. If you don’t believe me, just listen to his soothing voice. Potential Drawbacks: Carter’s church experiences “malaise,” church votes to let Carter go and ordain Ronald Reagan.

More to come….


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