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My Top Predictions for the Obama Presidency

November 7, 2012

Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and all else besides. As we have seen on the news, barring some unforeseen act of God or a coup staged by Joe Biden, Barack Obama has won the presidency of the United States for his second term.  Like every other blogger on the blogosphere, I have taken the mantle of the prophet upon myself and have decided to post my predictions for the upcoming years. Given my conversion to political leftism (as detailed in my insanely awesome blog post “How I Became a Democrat”), my predictions for the Obama presidency will be none of that gloom-and-doom stuff that is bound to be making its rounds on the internet even as we speak. In fact, I think it is safe to assume that my predictions that will be more pertinent to your life, more accurate, and more scintillating than any others on the internet. Here, now, are my predictions for the next four years.

  • Obama will give up on his clean-shaven look and start sporting some scruff. This will intensify during his second (or 6th, depending on how you look at it) year in office, where he will grow his hair out and begin wearing flannel while working in the White House. By the last half of year 8, Obama will have transitioned to full-on Hipster attire, wearing skinny jeans, old sweaters, and large-framed, horn-rimmed glasses as he awaits the ascension of President Palin.
  • David Axelrod’s mustace will receive a consciousness of its own, and will begin trying to force Axelrod to subscribe to supply-side economics. Axelrod will take action with a razor and shaving cream.
  • Newt Gingrich will come up with a plan to ship Detroit to the moon that will be met with ravenous approval by pretty much everyone.
  • The “Fly Me To The Moon” act will pass in Congress unanimously
  • Once it is on the moon, Detroit’s economy will considerably improve.
  • December 21st will not be the end of the world. (Actually, considering the way the Mayan Calender works, the end of the world should have been several years ago.) However, on December 21st, 2012, an army of Druids will stage a successful takeover of England, renaming it “The Republic of Wotan.”
  • John Mayer will vanish into thin air onstage after everyone realizes that he is just a mental projection of suburban white America’s ideas about music and manhood.
  • And there will be much rejoicing.
  • Fleet Foxes will release another album, causing men with beards everywhere extreme happiness.
  • Congress will pass a law forbidding discrimination against Marsupials who identify themselves as Monotremes.
  • Since the scientific community has in the past been stirred up about Global Cooling (the 70s), and Global Warming, (the 90s and 00s), the next phase in the climate change debate will involve scientists warning us about the dangers of Global Temperature Stability.
  • P.J. O’Rourke will write something funny.
  • Donald Trump will return to the public eye with something that he claims will destroy Obama’s career, but turns out to be nothing more than Obama politely declining to guest star on Celebrity Guest Apprentice.
  • Here at Wheaton, Students will enter a new level of integration of faith and learning after half of the faculty are replaced with Augustinian monks.
  • Also, the Football team will takeover the SAO and transform Student Government from its traditional democratic model into an idealized aristocracy.
  • Nightwish’s new vocalist will be either good or bad.
  • Matthew Perryman Jones will win the Academy Award for “Best Artist Ever” despite not being nominated. During his acceptance speech he will name drop William Henry Hazlitt, St. Benedict, and The Ramones. After he speaks, there will be a special performance by Bon Iver, in which Justin Vernon plays the same two chords for ten minutes straight.
  • After which every church ever invites Justin Vernon to become their worship team leader.
  • Coheed and Cambria, Between the Buried and Me, and Russian Circles will play a show in Chicago (Note: This is actually happening and I want to go.)
  • Mark Steyn will become slightly more upbeat and optimistic…no, he won’t.
  • Bruce Springsteen will do some political posturing in order to to keep himself in the limelight, despite the fact that his mediocre music is fast fading into irrelevance. (Note: I listened to “Born To Run” today, so I don’t totally hate The Boss.)
  • Artsy types will begin to listen to Breaking Benjamin, but claim to do it in “an ironic way.”
  • Carly Rae Jepsen will release a second single that sounds exactly like her first one. This is ironic because her first single sounds exactly like her first one.
  • I will run out of things to write on this blog post.



2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 7, 2012 5:49 am

    Reblogged this on Unapologetics | aint nothing sacred.

  2. November 7, 2012 5:53 am

    I love this! Haha so funny.

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