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Breaking News: New Pope Elected

February 14, 2013

Vatican City, Vatican City: In a shocking turn of events, the College of Cardinals has elected a new pontiff. On February 14th 2013, St. Valentine’s Day, the world will witness the inauguration of Pope John Calvin I.

From the beginning, John Calvin I’s bid for the papacy had drawn criticism. Cardinals who opposed him criticized him for his lack of reverence for Church tradition, his adherence to the five points of Calvinism, and his now-famous comment that “this means I get to wear the funny hat.” But despite opposition, John Calvin I has had many supporters. After his election, support came in the form of tweets, email, letters, and 12 book blurbs from J.I. Packer.

John Calvin I has begun to institute serious reforms within the church. He has already fitted out the papal palace with a recliner, a mini-fridge filled with Diet Mountain Dew, and a new library that includes works by John Piper, John MacArthur, and R. C. Sproul. He is also re-defining the role of the Pope in the modern world. He asks people to refer to him as “JC” instead of “His Holiness,” wears a St. John’s Bay Polo shirt and jeans instead of robes, and is currently instituting a push to canonize B.B. Warfield.

However, this push to progress is not without its detractors. Rumours have spread on the internet that he has planned to install a drive-through indulgence window in The Vatican. Others have pointed at his background with suspicion, noting his degree from Westminster Theological Seminary, his Critics have accused him of being unorthodox, irreverent and a closet Protestant. To which Calvin responds, “They were probably predestined to freely choose those presuppositions which cause them to believe such totally depraved things. I’m too busy to deal with that, anyway–I’m off to write and issue a Papal bull about the doctrines of grace. The Vatican has a lot of work to do in that department. Next stop–Doctrine of Communion. Transubstantiation is so 1516.”

Like him or not, John Calvin I is the newest in a long line of Catholic thinkers, who counts himself as following in the footsteps of Augustine, Aquinas, Pascal and J. Gresham Machen.  His supporters view his election as a step in the right direction, a reformation to an institution that desperately needs one. Even those in the College of Cardinals, though cautious, are optimistic about his vision for the Roman Catholic church. “It’s too early to be certain, but I think that this is a step in the right direction,” says Cardinal Douglas Wilson. “I think that he could be the Jimi Hendrix of church history, if you know what I mean.” Only time will tell.

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