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Breaking News: Comrades of Oceania Mourn the Death of Big Brother

March 12, 2013

[Editor’s Note: Due to the difficulty of getting reports from this particular country, this article is a little late]

London, Airstrip One: The streets of are filled with mourners following the sudden demise of Big Brother, President for Life of Oceania, who died last week of unknown causes. In life, he was a universally beloved leader. Now, in the wake of his death, the comrades of Oceania are grieving their loss.

Comrades of Oceania mourn the death of their beloved Leader


“He was a doubleplusgood man,” said Winston Smith, a low-level party  member who was taking tea at the Chestnut Tree Cafe, “I am greatful for him and his destruction of all those ungood proles who committed thoughtcrimes. This makes me feel doubleplusnothappy.” Winston is not alone in his mourning. The entire streets of London have been filled with proles. Vast amounts of cigarettes and instant coffee have been consumed by the Party Workers, and the Ministry of Truth has reported that no games of table tennis have been played in the last week.

“All of Ingsoc has been taking it hard,” said Julia, a member of the Junior Anti-Sex League, a worker for Pornosec and author of Fifty-Seven Shades of Gray, Fifty Shades of Grey: Part 9, and Fifty Shades of Gray meets Batman. “I, myself, have been taking it hard. I can’t go through the Two Minutes Hate without choking up. He was an inspiration to all of us.”

Big Brother was known for his accomplishments such as the discovery of America, the invention of the Wheel, and single-handedly cancelling Jersey Shore

Various world leaders have also voiced their grief and support for the comrades of Oceania. “I send my deepest regret to the comrades and Party Members of Oceania,” said Middle-Sized Uncle, President-For-Life of Eurasia, while Small Cousin, President of Eastasia, has also expressed his regret at Big Brother’s death, saying, “I only with I could have been there myself when it happened.”

Support has also come from celebrities and public intellectuals in the United States, as figures as diverse as George Clooney, Noam Chomsky, Madonna, and the members of Rage Against The Machine have publicly stated their sadness at Big Brother’s death. “Big  Brother was truly an artist,” said Sean Penn, “Not a day will go by that I will not miss him and remember his legacy, the things that he did for the world, for the environment and for the children. He was not only a great man; he was a great friend.”

One of Big Brother’s many supporters in the US

Not all, however, are happy. The rich of Oceania have taken to twitter to celebrate the leader’s untimely demise.

“Big Brother burns in hell! #NoMoreDoubleSpeak” tweeted capitalist22 “We are free #twoplustwoequalsfour” The hashtag #GoldsteinLives has been trending for three days now. The Ministry of Truth has issued an announcement that the offending tweeters will be “dealt with,” and has started its own twitter account (@minitru). To date, the only followers are Sean Penn and Will Ferrel

Now that Big Brother has died, there has been confusion over who will succeed. Possible candidates include Fat Cousin, Overbearing Mother-In-Law, Obnoxious Uncle, Sarah Palin, and Big Brother’s younger brother, Rick. Within the government itself, there has been considerable upheaval following the death of Big Brother, and several Party members have died of completely natural causes. No matter what happens, the country will forever remember his legacy.

“He was a great man,” said Aleksandr S., an artist and barista at the Chesnut Tree Cafe, “He was a Fabulous, Artistic, Splendid, Caring, Intelligent, Superlative Teacher.

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